Hey hey :3
Happy almost Christmas.
really struggling with Anxiety currently. But I'm still here, I'm still going.
I achieved something pretty awesome when I went to a studio open evening though! It was last month but I still hold onto it as it's really boosted my confidence!
So I get to this model meet cupcakes in hand [Went down really well, which was good because I didn't want anyone to choke on my caramel cupcakes, that would have been bad.] I meet up with Dave and David [Two photographers I recently worked with on shoots at Spitfire studio in Swindon, the room was packed and to be honest I was panicing quite a bit. So David says "Come on let's do a few shots" I'm like "Uhm, okay!" by this point I'm really nervous as the whole room and people outside poke their heads round to watch me pose for David and then suddenly [Which was awesome] some photographers started queing up to take some shots of me! My head is like all over the place and paranoia starts kicking in "I hope my lazy eye doesn't show to much" "I hope they don't think I'm -too- crazy" and before I could stop myself I was pulling faces at the photographers >_< I mean I do this all the time on set where-ever I am and whoever I'm with, it's natrual for me to strike up some fun and be creative with it.
But.. I stood there and posed. I posed despite so many people beyond my comfort level. I had fun. Then the fan came out to blow my hair all over the place.. That was mega fun!
Modelling is not just something I love, it's a sheild. It's allowing myself to escape my comfort levels and be expressive. When I model I'm not just Hannah I'm pretty much Hazard Kitty. It's important to keep the line between myself and Kitty, as much as I love her and she is very much my personality I couldn't just allow myself to be her all the time. There are very few differences between me and her but the major one being that when I'm geared up and ready to shoot as her I can let go. I consder myself more emotional if I keep my own persona on while modelling. Kitty doesn't have a barrier like "Can I go out today without freaking the hell out" Modelling helps me fight my depression and anxiety by allowing myself to flow and say "I can leave my baggage at the door, have fun and most importantly do what I love and live." It's complicated to explain.
It's a tough industry to be in even as a hobby but where-as it can crush other people, it's made me stronger and it's helped me to love myself more. Yes I may be unhappy with my weight issues etc but I'm not going to shy away from what I love in fear of people not liking if I'm up a dress size. I've managed to stick true to myself and make something positive out of something that weighs me down [No pun intended].
Thanks to ALL of my watchers. I am truely humbled by all of your messages, feedback and compliments. It helps a lot more than you guys know!
Love you all