Hope you all had a wonderful and safe Halloween and Fireworks night!
I've settled into my new home, it's such a beautiful cottage in a very beautiful little town
My cat seems to be enjoying her new home too, I couldn't live without her.
Winter has arrived with a sudden bite of cold. Jess is snuggling up to me more in the evenings.
I'd like to say I've got myself back on track but there have been days where I lose the rails, but then I've learnt to accept that and accept my flaws.
My weight is horrible! I've taken more action to slim down but tablets make that more difficult, but I will get there.Don't give up. Don't forget. It get's better even if it's just a day it's worth fighting for.
I am so grateful for everything within my life from my family to friends to you. Some days I can't face going to places because of my anxiety, some days it's like I don't even have it at all.
It's evil. It tears you to pieces. Just when you think that it clams down there will always be that something or someone to attempt at dragging you back down and sometimes those things will do it out of spite knowing how difficult the time is for you. Don't listen, fight back. LWhat I constantly learn over the years is that I always meet people who are 100% true until I don't benefit them anymore. I'm happy to say that I cut them out of my life and won't give them the satisfaction anymore.
Pain. Are the memories and turly opening up to confide in people. Courage. Is the strength in no matter how bad a situation you stand up for yourself and say "I don't want this anymore." I've lost count of the times I've had to do this. But you know what? I wouldn't change everything. I wouldn't go back and 'stop' all the tears, pain. I wouldn't hand myself a candle in the dark. I have grown up so much, it's been stupidly hard but people out there go through this everyday and I look into the eyes of my little nephews who love me without knowing what I do, what I go through. That innocence has moved me, and has aided me so much in loving myself. I have dreams, big dreams, but who doesn't? They're a liar. Life is too short to let your fears keep you from living the only chance you get. I don't want to say "No" anymore. I will but there will be more days where I say yes and take the plunge. I live for the moments when my nephew Danny runs up to me and says "Hannah are you making cupcakes" and by God I will make those cucpakes. I will make everyone cucpakes! I make cucpakes when I'm sad... I'm not this 'strong' woman that people see. But I'm holding on and holding my own. Everyday I will do something positive out of my depression. I will live for those who I've lost who can't live. I will love because hate will only destroy. I will model because hell, I love it.
I will share my life so others can find comfort that they aren't alone. You're not alone. I will laugh everyday even if it's to myself because I can. When you can't muster up the strength to go outside then open the window and let the light hit your face. Darkness comes but it moves on, like night to day. I want to be YOUR courage. I want to INSPIRE YOU to just walk outside and look at everything in such a different light. Smile. Who cares if they think you're high or huffing paint. They don't understand and there won't be anyone who can say "I understand" and 80% mean it. Some find comfort in giving someone that answer, but I'm not afraid to admit that I don't understand something. We may be going through a similar situation but everyone is not the same and we all have our ways of dealing with various situations. I will lose my weight but I will never lose this enlightenment. I won't be blinded by the bullshit anymore. I will help others but know when to help myself. My journey is far from over and people won't like that. Twisted people who cannot open their eyes to accept that people will do what they want and purposely bully others because they don't have a balls or are so unhappy with themselves. Don't be strong, be yourself. Because in someone elses eyes that's the most important thing. In those peoples eyes they will see this magical human being. I get angry. I get so angry at myself and others because of the hurt. But I'm still standing. My heart is still open to forgiveness but strong enough to forget those who would take advantage of that. But take advantage of my journal. Live.