It's been hard keeping this to myself but I have been taking tablets now for 6 weeks regarding depression.I DON'T want attention nor do I crave sympathy I hate it. I feel a warmth from you all who send me get well messages and support and encouragement in what I do. This isn't a cry for help on the internet it's me being clear and honest as to why my updates are slow and I have failed to constantly keep my journal and facebook up to date.
I am happy. You all make me happy and I love you dearly each and everyone of you who has clicked 'Add to Deviant Watch' or 'Like' on facebook.. I have people in my city who make me happy I have a job and I enjoy working with the people there along side of me. I walk around with this smile no matter whats chucked at me but in reality I'm still hollow inside. It is a sickness and it's a very difficult one to escape. It's almost like for every one positive I have to endure ten negatives and it's gotten to the point that where I am an emotional person anyway, that emotion is sparked off more easily and more uncontrolable.
Depression isn't uncommon, it's horrible and I have taken action to help myself before this consumes me. I've been through alot over the years and it's finally came to the point where I couldn't see that light anymore. It was very hard for me to admit that I needed help that I didn't drink enough water and that I was so hard on myself was due to this.
I am very competetive it's within my nature, it's not a bad thing but I pushed myself too hard and too much dieting to look as good as the other models in their portfolios wasn't helping my health. Don't get me wrong I don't want to be a skele like you see on some cat walks, it's just I had this image of myself in my head (I still do) that I kept constantly working towards. I crave to make myself a better person whether that is my image on the outside or the person I am on the inside, in no way shape or form would I ever change myself completely to make someone happy. That's happened before, I pretty much was a walking canvas where I let certain people create my image how they wanted and I didn't have much left of myself until one day enough was enough and those people aren't in my life anymore.
My partner. My beautiful, supportive and loving partner has given me strength in so many ways and has helped me to see that I should be the one to create my own image, be true to myself and that I am a strong person from the experiences I have faced. He's shown me it's okay to be myself because everyday he shows me accepts every part of who I am from outside to within me. His love is like water in a desert. In a spiritual way he gives me that ability to run when I can't even walk and the power to fly with my feet on the ground.
And You. All of you who have stood by and watched me constantly grow as a model have helped me accept myself and my weirdness in my personality. You give me that drive to keep going, the excitement to show you what I've done or to tell you where I'm going next.
The modelling industry whether you're an agency or freelance is extremely hard. It's hard to break it and it's hard to withstand it. It's full of critics who will find the tiniest of things to shoot you down. I'm not looking for the sympathy vote from others in this, I knew what I was getting into when I started to develope the passion and the determination to be involved and included within those walls. Fashion constantly changes in whatever format it comes in or whatever genre you attatch yourself to. If you stand out your options are higher. I consider myself to have a gift of accommidating many looks as just one person and able to be that canvas for projects myself or photographer who work with on a TF (TF stands for Trade For so images are used in all parties portfolios for the time put into the shoot) basis or pay me need. No matter what I do though, I'm either too tattooed, too little tattooed, too many studs, not enough, too short, too curvy, too pale, too alternative, not alternative etc... It's annoying, it does set you back and it does knock your confidence.
But. I am lucky and so happy to have worked with the people I have worked with and I'm sure you're all aware that this is a special mention to Dave Ellis. We've had so many awesome shoots and together we have grown in our work and as good friends. In our work you can always see the trust, the creativity and I'm never worried on trying something new in the fear of making myself look like a muppet. To be fair, you've all seen the bloopers. All of my work show that I have so much fun on shoots and that they complete most of the person I am. Dave has been through many ups and downs with me and I hope that he'll stick around for more. I'm shooting with him in the near future and cannot wait to get back to making more magic in the studio.
Whatever you wear, even if everyone is wearing the same you are unique.
Once I got told by a photographer that I needed to have a maximum of a 26 inch waist before he'd consider working with me. It's safe to say that even when I tried I never had a 26 inch waist and me and said photographer never worked together.
I stopped modelling to make someone happy before, I was a mere shadow of the person I used to be. That is how important modelling is to me whether I make it or it comes to nothing but a hobby. I'm not going to stop until I keep getting further. Even if the dream has ended you can keep dreaming. Keep battling.
I know I always say this but truly, from the bottom of my heart you have no idea how special all of you Troops are to me. I LOVE seeing your comments. I love seeing your feedback or what you'd love to see next. I have so much stuff I'm trying to put together and sorry I couldn't have done it sooner. The world is a scary and cruel place, but at the same time amazing and full of inspiration. Full of life, love and happiness is what you make it. Be the change you wish to see, not what people want to see. The world is huge so there ARE people who will love you for you. I can't say I know all of you or have met you YET, but I will do my best to attend events so I can thank you in person.